Somewhere in the Smoky Mountains Is a man I left behind years ago, Now, with a wife and kids,
I scroll Facebook startled by the luminous Glow Of his happy family displayed before me, And I am instantly transported Ten years into the past, Wondering what the outcome could have been if I was more emotionally fearless, And he a little more courageous, But we were young, barely adults, Still in our early twenties, Still sticking to life plans we formed as Children,
No, we had our chance, And we both played chicken, Swerving right before the cataclysmic car Crash,
We both blamed timing, But for me, in the end, it was fear, I let him go because I was not ready to be a Wife, To support him in the way a husband Deserved, And I stopped loving him because he could not Make a choice between me and his current Wife, And I would never want to question my Partner’s loyalty,
So, I left the mystic Smokies for the brusk Roar of the ocean, and salty sun kissed skin, And set out on my own adventure,
A thousand miles apart, and ten years have Passed, sitting at my computer desk, I do not regret letting him go, Nor do I regret the memory of him, Nor do I hate his wife and family and their Success, I just drink my coffee and let the smoky haze Of the past wash over me like a wave, And listen to the roar of the ocean, I am grateful for the time we had, And the lessons I learned, And the life I have now, And the life I have yet to lead
The image of you running away from me into another woman’s arms assaults my brain.
A woman of no sexual threat to me, a woman who likes other women, but still she is comfort, she is home. A soft place to absorb the pain I so clearly cause you into her womb and carry your burden. I wonder if she will birth it out of her, or eat it like a cannibalistic twin, A grief eater.
Look at my hips! Clearly, I eat my grief, and I would gladly eat yours. I have eaten yours, at least, the grief you have caused me. I didn’t want this. I was attracted to your lighthearted kindness, but when my soul has walked through darkness too long, light looks like an illusion and you a mirage that eventually and inevitably vanishes.
I’m sorry if I kissed you with my darkness. Like a siren I can bewitch a man, mimic and perpetuate the light in his eyes until I can play with his flame between my fingers,
Only to snuff it out when the fire gets too hot for my hands and dark heart to handle.
A wise man runs...he finds safety in the arms of other women,
His mother, his sister, a new lover whose tender kisses rejuvenate him,
Allow him to be a child again so he can grow into the man he wants to be,
A man that I want him to be, a man that I can never have, but a man I still want,
And thus I eat my grief!